The Christmas Disaster
by still-dreaming15
Summary: Christmas with the vampires? It could never be perfect. With a lot of randomness in true holiday spirit, can Darren survive. New Chapters 4 and 5 are now up!
1. Turkey, Lights, Holly and Reindeer

Authoress' Note: I wish I owned Darren Shan Saga but I don't sobs Why must you make me feel so terrible Shan?! Why?! You know I don't have talent!

Authoress is dragged away by a mob of Darren Shan characters and is thrown off the mountain

Darren: Sorry for that - Enjoy and Merry Christmas

December the 23rd – 7:00pm

Okay so it wasn't perfect but it was still Christmas, right? At least they were making an effort, right? Mr Crepsley had the turkey covered and hopefully he'd get the stuffing from his hair by New Year. Darren shuddered at what would happen if he didn't (Mr Crepsley had turned Emo when most of said remaining strands either turned green or fell out with Vancha's 'hair treatment')... But at least he wasn't as bad as Evra...

And speaking of the snake- umm... _person?_ Well, Evra had been assigned decorating and well... Darren had to put on sunglasses to even go near the living room and that was through an eight inch black, steel door that the vampires had put up! At least the little girl who was looking at it through the window was only _temporarily_ blind.

"Darren! Darren!" Arra cried out. Staying for Christmas was definitely the worst decision she had made all year. If she ever made it through the next forty-eight hours alive she would kill Darren – a reindeer costume was so _not_ her. The next person on her hit list was Vancha and his godforsaken shurikens... Why was he so persistently annoying?

"Yes Arra?" Darren sighed. Currently he was helping Harkat set the table.

"Tell Vancha to stop shooting shurikens at my tail! It's fluffy enough!" she wailed.

Darren sighed again. "Vancha behave yourself and kindly STOP harassing Arra and the other ladies who are going to arrive in a couple of hours!"

Vancha growled at the young prince – why did everyone have to be so 'gentlemanlike' ALL THE TIME! Finally he relented and went off to scare... ahem... _help_ Mr Crepsley in the kitchen.

With Vancha out of the way, Arra went back to pinning up holly around the doors. She sighed with relief as the household went back to it's loud banging, annoying, out of tune and timing carols and the yelling of vampires hurting themselves / hurting each-other/ destroying things... the list was endless but at least it was normal.


	2. Tinsel and a Crab!

December 23rd – 7:05pm

"Darren!" Arra screamed once more. Reluctantly, the tired and scared half-vampire trudged to the front door. You'd think that vampires could handle themselves for just five minutes...

"What is it this time?" he groaned. Darren didn't even look up from the floor, scared of what he'd find. When he did he turned a bright shade of red and had to look away again. Vancha, back to fluffing up Arra's tail, had accidentally got more than he bargained for. Arra's costume had been shredded to the point of where she was in _just_ her underwear and clutching onto a piece of holly-covered tinsel for dear life.

Just then, disturbed by the excess of noise, Mr Crepsley walked in.

"If you would not mind, kindly don't scream. I cannot concentrate..." Mr Crepsley stopped dead as he saw his ex-mate and his gaze dropped to the floor. Now looking like a tower of tomatoes, he scuttled back to the kitchen, dragging Darren and Vancha with him.

"Thanks a lot!" Arra yelled sarcastically. "All I need is the damn ladder not a crab!"


	3. The Silent Agreement

December 23rd – 8:00pm

As the next hour rolled in, Arra found some decent clothes and got herself down... and she had also found a heavy stick and was currently using it to beat the death out of Vancha and his shurikens. Only an hour to go before the reinforcements arrived... Darren dreaded to think what could happen before then...

The whole house shook as a thud sounded, the floor shook and Vancha shrieked:

"HELP! SHE'S INSANE AND MY CHARM, CHARISMA, GOOD LOOKS AND GENIUS QUALITIES AREN'T WORKING! SAVE ME!"

"DREAM ON PUNK!"

Another thud was heard.

"I'LL TEACH (thud)... YOU NOT TO (thud)... FLUFF ANY (thud, thud, thud)..."

"OWWW!"

Bang! Boom! Girly Vancha-like shriek of terror!

"...THING EVER (thud)... AGAIN!!! (THUD!)"

A concussed Vancha staggered down the stairs and into the living room of vampires who had taken cover in the neon room with sunglasses. He laughed deliriously for a couple of seconds before collapsing, twitching, crying "Mommy!" before falling unconscious. The vampires and others present silently agreed not to bug Arra.


	4. More Turkey and Blue Lights

**Disclaimer: I don't own Darren Shan Saga. I'm having too much fun to steal the copyright. **

**A.N.: Alright folks, here's the next chapter. I'm sorry it took so long (I had writers block with this one but my other fic seems to have gotten rid of it ********). By popular vote it's option number one and will cover the next few chapters.**

December the 23rd – 8.30

The ambulance arrived with it's blue flashing lights and a shaking Vancha was loaded into it by the nice men in white cloaks. The vampires watched on under heavy cloaks and sunglasses as the blue light was 'burning their eyes'.

"Don't… let… her… get… me!" Vancha screamed, failing in his attempt to run away. Arra, having been stuck to the wall with sticky tape, grinned menacingly at him. He squeaked and struggled all the harder. Fortunately for everyone else, Vancha disappeared into the van and it drove away. Darren sighed. One down, a million more mistakes to go.

"Now Arra," he said, turning to the angry vampiress. "I think we need to have a little talk to you about violence at Christmas…"

"Let me go!" she shrieked, struggling with the stick part of the tape. Darren sighed.

"I didn't want to have to do this but you've given me no other option," he told her, soberly. "I wash my hands now. Harkat; to the tree!"

Harkat grinned but it only looked sadistic. He unstuck Arra and, with the help of Evra, took her into the living room. Darren only hoped that someone had remembered to unplug the lights first. Judging by the screams, they hadn't. He went inside, still shaking his head, to see if Mr Crepsley wanted any help with the turkey.


	5. A Wreathy Surprise

**IMPORTANT: If you haven't looked at the last chapter, you should. I updated it from a load of randomness about voting. It is actually a chapter now.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Darren Shan. If I did, Mika would be blonde and Kurda would be raven-haired. All vampires would wear baby pink when in public. **

December the 23rd – 8.45 pm

The house was quiet again, the smell of another burnt turkey lingered in the air. Apparently Mr Crepsley was trying to get the perfect turkey and practice for the Christmas dinner. Harkat didn't even need to mutter beneath his breath – everyone could see that he needed all the time he could get. A blushing, red-haired vampire promptly hit the Little Person over the head with a frying pan. Harkat, muttering about his mother, went into the Living Room to sit down and relax.

"Hmph!" a tired squeak came from the Christmas tree. Harkat didn't look up, trying to put ice on his head. If he had looked up then he would have stuck his tongue out at Arra, who was now dressed in a white dress and a cardboard yellow circle on her head (on a hanger of course). It had taken him a good three minutes to attach her to the top of the tree (not an easy feat) but it was worthwhile. Evra had said he couldn't find that unique sort of angel he wanted. Now they had the finishing decoration to Evra's mass-lighting scheme. Outside, the neighbourhood's power flickered dangerously.

Darren, unlike Evra and Mr Crepsley, had given up with the turkey and instead was busy with putting a wreath on the front door. As he hammered the nail in the wood, a small hand tugged on his jumper and he ended up smacking his thumb with 3kg of iron and steel. He yelped, dropping the tool. It landed on his sock-covered toe and he screamed again. The owner of the little hand laughed.

"What?!" Darren demanded, spinning around. A group of about seven, sweet children with music books stood there with a sulking grey-haired guy in black and a short, yellow-coated man with a heart-shaped watch. Darren froze, suddenly very afraid. Whatever Desmond Tiny was doing with several little children and his nemesis Steve, could not be good for him and everybody else.

**I'll probably update again later or tomorrow so keep tuned. Bye for now!**


	6. Attack of the Evil Munchkins

IMPORTANT: If you haven't looked at the last chapter, you should

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Darren Shan Saga. Darren Shan owns the Darren Shan Saga. He even has his name on it, see?**

December the 23rd – 8.55 p.m.

Darren looked between the happy, pink-cheeked kiddies in various Christmas-themed jumpers to the two adults. Steve wasn't happy at all, sulking that he had to be with such sickeningly _happy_ people. Desmond Tiny, standing several feet away from the offending, radiating-bundles-of-joy in case he got infected with it, had a large grin on his face and was directing it at the young Prince attempting to keep order in the household before the ladies arrived and showed him up. Somehow, he didn't think he'd be able to manage it for much longer.

"Hello, Darren," beamed the little man. "Can we come in?"

Darren didn't say anything, knowing he'd get shot for letting in the devils (not that the law about long-range weapons would matter when they found out).

"Darren, are you going to let us in?" Desmond asked, his voice a little harder. Darren knew he was stuck between getting mobbed by angry vampires/Little People/snake-people or facing the punishment of Mr Tiny.

"DARREN LET US IN BEFORE I FREEZE MY ASS OFF WITH HAPPINESS!" Mr Tiny roared. Immediately Darren opened the door for them, plastering a fake smile on his face. The munch-kins (as they shall now be known as) toddled in, their faces purely adorable. It wasn't a good sort of adorable.

"Darren, where are the…?" Mr Crepsley began to ask. He caught sight of the munch-kins and immediately shut himself up in the kitchen. They were cute, true, but it was the sort of 'cute' that evil things have, rather like a wax dolly until you half-melt it (like on the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) or the holographic sign showing, what seems to be, a harmless toy until you move and it shows that it has drugs inside (those sorts of signs you can find at airports).

When all the munch-kins were inside, marching in perfect formation, they stopped and turned on the spot. Darren muffled his high-pitched girly scream as one came closer.

"Do you have a twee?" it asked. Judging by it's short hair, it was a boy. "A Chwismas twee?"

Darren vaguely gestured to the Living Room and they marched in.

The munch-kins formed a circle around the Arra-coated 'Chwismas twee' and their eyes went glassy like a bad cartoon. Every one of them was staring at the angel, cooing. The gagged female vampire went quiet, her eyes wide with fear. It genuinely looked like Mr Tiny had a new evil army. When they started a version of 'Oh Chwismas Twee', each one of them knew it was true.

**Well, that's it for now. I don't know how good this chappie has been because I haven't been feeling great but if it's really bad, I'll change it next week. The earliest I'll probably getting round to updating will be next weekend. If you meet a vampire in that time, have fun coming up with new and creative ways to torture them. Bonus points if you turn them all vegetarian.**


End file.
